by administrator | Mar 30, 2018 | blog |
March 30, 2018 Right Or Happy Audio version- http://chirb.it/KFHqgz When discussing relationships, I often ask patients, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” This may seem a bit confusing, but it really is not. Hopefully, these two things can coincide most of the time, but there are times where they don’t. That’s when it’s decision time. In the other non-relationship world, most of us try to persuade others to see our point of view. In essence, we want to be right. In a relationship being right can come at a pretty high cost, even as high as the whole relationship. Sometimes being happy is far more important than just being right. Good relationships are about compromise. Unless it really goes against something for which you stand, try to be flexible. Don’t misinterpret what I’m saying here by thinking you have to give in on everything. That’s just not so. And certainly, if you are going to go along with your partner, do NOT say, “Whatever.” That’s just as bad as arguing. As a simple example, if you said you wanted to go out for a hamburger, and she/he replied that sushi sounded better, you could just reply that sushi was a good idea, too. I can’t tell you how many couples have argued in session about the exact date that some event occurred, when the date doesn’t really make a difference about the issue. Being the truth nazi is a surefire way to disrupt your relationship. Just shut up and be happy. Don’t try to always just be right. In a good relationship both parties hold happiness...
by administrator | Mar 23, 2018 | blog |
March 23, 2018 How Soon Is Too Soon Audio version- http://chirb.it/DOgh46 In case you missed it, an interesting question came in this last week during our weekly Twitter Chat (6PM PST on Thursdays at ( http://ask.fm/LSLLoveAdvice ). How soon is too soon after a spouse passes to start sleeping with someone else? There is no “magic” amount of time. The mirror image of grief is love (Tim Shriver). The greater the love, the greater the grief. Everyone loves and grieves in different ways. Some become depressed for an extended period of time while others appear to move smoothly through the transition. It does not make one right or one wrong, one better or one not as good. It’s an individual action. I’ve had patients who have lost a spouse start dating after 6 weeks, and I’ve had surviving spouses who don’t date at all, and I’ve had many time frames in between. It’s up to each individual. Some may need assistance sorting things out. If you are not a professional in this area, please don’t give advice because that advice may not be what the person needs. Suggest (don’t tell them directly) that it might be helpful to see a professional who deals with these issues all the time. Dating at any stage of life is complicated. The death of a long-time spouse or partner only makes things more difficult because the grieving may still be present while the individual tries to get back into the social dating scene. I would strongly recommend getting oneself back to solid functioning before trying to date again. As far as the specific...
by administrator | Mar 16, 2018 | blog |
March 16, 2018 Growing A Relationship Audio version- https://chirb.it/a3gevI Social scientists tell us that it takes about three decades before partners are truly able to smooth out a relationship. Three decades! Yikes! In an era of instant gratification, it’s hard to imagine any couple wading through what often is a sewer to get through to the “clean” side. Many stay in the relationship but continue to reside in the sewer. I’ll use the analogy of a sweet cherry tree (think sweetness of a good relationship). It takes 4-7 years for the tree to bear fruit. Few would argue about the enjoyment of eating the fruit, but you have to wait … a long, long time. I use the analogy of a tree because of its similarity to relationships. Unlike seasonal fruits and vegetable that grow quickly but only last brief periods of time (strawberries, watermelons, lettuce, etc.), trees have to be well taken care of, grow their roots deep, be fertilized, and be protected from disease and things that might do it harm. Relationships are quite similar. They start out as seedlings. They have to be planted so that they can grow deep “roots.” They have to be protected. Most importantly they have to be “fertilized,” meaning both partners have to invest energy into the relationship. Otherwise, the relationship will not bear “fruit,” and both partners will miss out on the sweetness that only a good relationship can provide. There will always be obstacles to overcome. There will always be challenges. There will always be unforeseen circumstances. However, when partners put their relationships as the number one priority, the...
by administrator | Mar 9, 2018 | blog |
March 9, 2018 The Relationship Castle Audio version- https://chirb.it/DErq9J I was recently working with a couple whose biggest problems were at home. They both had successful, well-paying jobs. Their problem was that neither could leave their office problems at the office. The frustration and sometimes outright anger spilled over to their home life. Additionally, they tended to handle arguments as they would with a coworker. Regrettably, this is not an uncommon scenario. Also, regrettably, it is a relationship disaster just waiting to explode. For starters the person with whom you have a relationship should not be treated in the same manner as anyone else. Healthy relationships grow when both partners elevate each other to top priority. I like to build what I call a “Relationship Castle.” Think of a castle with a moat around it and a draw bridge. Every workday morning each person puts on her/his armor. The draw bridge is lowered, and both go out to fight the “big bad dragons” that most of us face each day. At the end of the day they both return to the castle. The draw bridge is pulled back up, and the moat prevents intruders. The castle should be the place each partner feels the best – well-respected, loved, and appreciated. It should be where they are the most relaxed. The castle should insulate the partners from people and things that would harm the relationship. Yes, it’s only a make believe visual, but it’s not that far from what should take place. If “invaders” have been allowed to infiltrate the castle, they need to be banished, and quickly. The longer...
by administrator | Mar 1, 2018 | blog |
March 2, 2018 Stop Keeping Score Audio version- http://chirb.it/htmC9s A young couple recently came in for help with their marriage of only two years. When I asked each for her/his perspective, it became almost a court scene with two battling attorneys. Each wanted to prove her/his point. In essence, they both wanted to “win,” and they were clearly keeping score of who had won what argument. It was amusingly like a court case complete with opening statements, cross-examination, rebuttal arguments, and closing arguments. I had to let them vent before I could begin to help. When both were satisfied with their respective case presentations, they were ready to listen. I thanked them both but explained it was not my job to act as a judge and jury. Relationships are NOT sports contests. Stop keeping score. Unless both people “win,” both people lose. The perceived “loser” in an argument will always find a way to get even, even if it’s in a passive-aggressive manner. Keeping score is one of the most sure-fire ways of forcing a relationship of the tracks. So, what should couples do when they disagree? The first step it to clearly define what the disagreement is about and not drag other issues into the discussion. Sometimes it’s fine just to realize the issue is not as important to one as to the other. In such a case, just go along with it. This only works if the other person also goes along with something that may not be as important to him/her. The other way is to figure out a compromise. Neither person will get exactly what...
