by administrator | May 9, 2018 | blog |
May 9, 2018 Spiritual Love Audio version- After the first date with my wife I went home and told my parents that I had met my bride. I was smitten. I knew I had found romantic love, but little did I know I was a very long way from spiritual love. In fact, I was clueless. It took years of trying to understand ourselves and each other before we could truly even understand what spiritual love meant. B’shert is a Yiddish word that translates to: “a person’s soulmate.” It extends far beyond romantic love. With the exception of arranged marriages, we often hear young brides and grooms proclaim they have found their soulmate, regardless of their religious affiliation. It’s a nice thought, and maybe their love will become spiritual at some point, but, though they may have found their romantic soulmate, they, too, would be clueless about having a spiritual soulmate. Spiritual love takes years to develop and many obstacles to overcome. I’m reminded of my freshman year in college. I enrolled in a class taught by a professor who was internationally renown in his field. He asked to see me after the first class. He told me he did not allow freshmen in his class. Being a brash 18-year old, I asked why. He said that freshmen did not possess the maturity to get everything he thought students should get out of his class. I made him a deal. I would go through the whole semester, do all the assignments, and take all the tests. If I did not meet his standards, he should fail me, and I would not...
by administrator | May 2, 2018 | blog |
May 2, 2018 The Relationship Transition Audio version- http://chirb.it/vtwsxH For some going from being single to a committed relationship, marriage or otherwise, is often not an easy task. This transition sometimes has many obstacles that are a result of just innocent dating habits. Unfortunately, when this transition is not handled properly, it has the potential to ruin an otherwise good relationship. It all depends on the individuals involved and their willingness to make the transition. As with the old psychologist’s joke, “How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?”, the answer is, “It only takes one, but the light bulb has to want to change.” Many want it both ways. They don’t want to give up the fun and excitement of doing whatever they want, whenever they want, and with whomever they want, but they also want to be in a serious, committed relationship. I’ve had many couples in therapy with one, and sometimes both, asking why she/he can’t go to Vegas (or anywhere else) with a group of girlfriends or boyfriends. This extends to many other activities like camping, as well. This isn’t to say people can’t have individual activities. Even if nothing goes on, one has to consider the optics of the situation. A number of years ago I was at a conference checking into my hotel room. Most of the time my wife and I attended conferences together, even though it may have been for only one of us. This time I was solo. Another psychologist, a female, approached me, nicely asked if I would like to save money and split a room since...
by administrator | Apr 25, 2018 | blog |
April 27, 2018 Relationship Chemistry Audio version- http://chirb.it/kBesOC In many ways relationships are similar to combinations of elements that create chemical reactions. Some blend together and create another entirely different substance that is very useful, while other combinations create highly volatile, explosive substances that can blow up with very little provocation. However, the similarities stop there. While the combination of various elements and reactions of putting them together have been well documented scientifically, the combinations of different people and personalities is anything but scientifically predictable. If one combines two hydrogen atoms with one oxygen atom, the result is, H2O, water, the basis of much of life. But let’s examine another “chemical” reaction between two people. A number of years ago a couple came in to see me for help. They were each of different religious backgrounds but, though spiritual, were not particularly religious. They had never even thought about what would happen if they combined their religions in a family situation. Their five-year old had come home one day asking to go to Sunday school like his friends. The mother had said not to worry, that she would enroll him in the temple religious school the following Monday. The father said, no, that he would take him to the family church and enroll him on Monday. The couple had never talked about nor considered the consequences of religion for themselves of raising a child. While some couples work through this with little to no difficulty, both of these people became quite adamant about their positions when it came to their child. The situation exploded in a nasty divorce. Religion...
by administrator | Apr 18, 2018 | blog |
April 18, 2018 Relationship Math Audio version- http://chirb.it/NakBfM Imagine for a moment that you have wheels and tires, an engine, a chassis, a can of gasoline, etc., but they are all separate. Not much you can do with them. They are just parts. However, put them all together properly, and you have a vehicle that can transport you. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. The same is true when it comes to Relationship Math, but it can work both positively and negatively. In a good relationship two people together bring out the best in each other. Together they present a powerful and positive relationship. In this case, one plus one equals more like three. They have created their own “vehicle” with which to transport their relationship to a higher level. But the opposite is true when there are relationship problems. One plus one equals something less than two. Depending upon how bad things are will determine just how much less. They may be relatively okay by themselves, but the two people tend to bring out the worst in each other. In this example putting them together as a whole only underscores each person’s negative traits. My wife and I were certainly known professionally individually, but many times we were just introduced as “The Yellens.” People often commented about how powerful we were together as a team. As an example, when there were adversarial school situations, parents often asked both of us to attend together even though either of us could have accomplished the same thing. Often, we were told that we were much more powerful together...
by administrator | Apr 11, 2018 | blog |
April 12, 2018 Relationship Mindfulness Audio version- http://chirb.it/Fh7Ms3 One of the biggest reasons for relationship failure is the lack of practicing relationship mindfulness. Mindfulness in general is being fully present. While that sounds like a very abstract idea, it most certainly is not. It is extremely important in relationships. Without it, two people are nothing more than two ships just passing in the night. Paying attention and being fully present is the best way to capture mindfulness. Being very aware of what is happening at the moment without judging it is the essence of mindfulness. When you and your partner are mindful of each other, there is a connection that fully energizes, empowers, and soothes both. Gratitude is most certainly another part of being mindful. Albert Einstein once said, “There are two kinds of people- those who believe that nothing is a miracle, and those that believe that everything is a miracle.” In essence, it’s all about your perceptions of what is around you. You can choose to focus on negativity, or you can choose to focus on positivity, but you can’t practice gratitude while holding on to negativity. When we look back at what brought two people together, regardless of the circumstances, those two people focused on each other. They were very present with each other. They were practicing relationship mindfulness without realizing exactly what they were doing. Sometimes it was even to the exclusion of others. They didn’t worry about overanalyzing their situation. Eckhart Tolle said, “In today’s rush, we all think too much – seek too much – want too much – and forget about the joy of just...
by administrator | Apr 4, 2018 | blog |
April 4, 2018 Interested and Interesting Audio version- http://chirb.it/Iverm5 One of the first things I tell people who are trying to build a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic, is part of having a good social intelligence quotient (SIQ) is to keep in mind the two “I’s.” You have to be interested and interesting. People are much more comfortable socially when they have a good connection with another. These two words are keys to usually opening up good relationships. The first part is that if you want a relationship with someone, you have to show interest in what they are about and what is important to them. Whether it’s sports, music, movies, etc., people like knowing that the person with whom they are talking is really showing an interest in them. It makes everyone feel special. Give people your full attention on what they are talking about. If you are not interested in them, they probably won’t be interested in you. The second part is that YOU have to be interesting. No one like talking to someone who is boring to listen to. Of course, you are better off avoiding some topics in some crowds. Some people are particularly sensitive to politics and/or religion. It’s often best not to engage in discussion about those topics unless you know your audience. One thing I tell my patients who want to work on being more interesting is to glance at a news accumulator twice a day and just gather up some of the topic headlines on international, national, and local news, business & finance, sports, entertainment, technology, science, and health. This should only...
