May 30, 2018
Love Off Track
Audio version- http://chirb.it/La0FeC
In the last several current episodes of the sitcom Blackish, Dre (Anthony Anderson) and Bow (Tracee Ellis Ross) have run into difficulties in their marriage and wonder how they got to that place. For many couples, that becomes a very important question. Something that most often started off as a wonderful dream has turned into almost a nightmare. What happened?
When a relationship is not continuously energized, it becomes almost dormant. People put energy into children, work, household, hobbies, etc. The relationship becomes taken for granted and put on the shelf, figuring “I’ll get to it tomorrow or at some point.” But that tomorrow or some point goes from days to weeks to months and often to years, until the last little spark is barely visible. For some, the spark extinguishes itself completely, and only the ashes are left. The train has gone off the track.
Most often when couples first get together, the energy between them is almost palpable. Very often they ignore friendships and almost everything else just to focus on each other. Certainly, that level of intensity cannot be maintained over time, nor should it. But when the pendulum swings the other way, that the relationship is the last entity to get attention, cracks in the relationship begin to appear. Some are related to a lack of energy and attention, while others are a result of unanticipated issues that are bound to arise in any relationship. However, if there is a goodly amount of energy being infused into the relationship, point number one, then the other issues, point number two, are much more available to be addressed. Sometimes the issues can be resolved without outside help, and sometimes the issues require professional intervention. In any event, if the energy is still flowing into the relationship, everything becomes easier and more efficient.
Getting back on track requires a reprioritizing and refocusing of attention and energy. The blame game only makes things worse. The key is to focus on problem solving and compromise. It can’t be all one way or the other because eventually the natural forces affecting relationships will try to push back to the middle ground.
Individuals are complicated, and relationships are complicated. There is no “one size fits all” approach to getting back on track. Some couples require just a few tools to make it back, while others require pretty intense work. As long as both people are willing to do the work, things can be worked out.
Don’t let the spark become extinguished. Get back on track before it becomes impossible. Lead with love.
Until next time, this is Dr. Andrewtelling you to “Be kind to yourself.”